MISTER ED'S E-MAIL SNIPLETS
And furthermore
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN.'
2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' -
He has developed a
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' -
He develops a case of
6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
We all need a little stress-reliever! This only takes a minute.
Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. If we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not.
Here is your dose of humor...
A. Follow the instructions to find your new
name.
B. Once you have your new name, put it in the subject box and forward it to friends and family & co-worker s.
Don't forget to forward it back to the person who sent it to you
so they know you participated.
And don't go all adult - a senior manager is now known far &
wide as Dorky
Gizzardsniffer!
The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain
Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave
Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume
new names...
So:-
1. Use the third letter of your first name to
determine your New first name:
a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dink y
z = zippy
2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the
first half of your new last name:
a = dippin
b = feather
c = batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = l izard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdle
3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the
second half of your new last name:
a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkle
Feng Shui Horoscope
Take just a minute to take this test & see what happens! If you are
honest this tells the truth -- it's pretty good. Write your answers on
a paper, NO cheating!! The answers are at the bottom...
1. Which is your favorite color: red, black, blue, green, or
yellow?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which color do you like more, black or white?
5. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.
6. Your favorite number?
7. Do you like
8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
9. Write down a wish (a realistic one)
When you're done, scroll down. Don't cheat?
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Answers:
1. If you choose:
Red - You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black - you are conservative and aggressive
Green - Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back
Blue - You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the
ones you love.
Yellow - You are a very happy person and give good advice to those
who are down.
2. If your initial is:
A-K - You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R - You try to enjoy your life to the maximum and your love life is
soon to blossom.
S-Z - You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.
3. If you were born in:
JAN - MAR: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that
you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
APR - JUN: You will have a strong love relationship that will last
forever.
JUL - SEP: You will have a great year and will experience a major
life-changing experience for the good.
OCT - DEC: Your love life will be great, you will find your soul mate.
4. If you chose...
Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will be the best
thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
White: You have a friend who completely confides in you and would do
anything for you, but you may not realize it.
5. This person should be your best friend.
6. This is how many close friends you will have in your lifetime.
7. If you chose:
8. If you chose:
9. This wish will come true if you send this to 1 person in one hour.
Send it to ten people, and it will come true before your next Birthday.
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1.
At
Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With
Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer
At
Passing Cars.
See
If They Slow Down.
2.
Page Yourself Over The Intercom.
Don't DisguiseYour Voice.
!
3.
Every Time
Someone Asks You To
Do Something,ask
If They Want Fries with that.
4.
Put Decaf
In The
Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks
. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their
Caffeine
Addictions,Switch
to Espresso.
5.
In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write '
ForMarijuana'
6. Skip
down
the hall
Rather Than Walk and
see how many looks you get.
7.
Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,
with a serious
face.
8.
Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is
'To Go'.
9. Sing
Along At The Opera.
10.
Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because
You
have a headache.
11.
When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream
'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards theParking
lot, Yelling
'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13.
Tell Your Children Over Dinner,
'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let
One Of You Go.'
14.
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
It's Called
...
THERAPY
George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline......
Bush wants us to
cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop
using so much
gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would
be 11 million less
people using our gas. The price of gas would come down.
Bring our troops
home from
an illegal
immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some
ammo
and ship him to
must
serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's
there
and
tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become
a citizen since
he
defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and
be a
legal patriot
This option will
probably deter illegal immigration and provide a
solution for the
troops in
life for
themselves. If they refuse to serve, ship them to
without the
canteen, rifle or ammo.
Problem solved.
DID YOU KNOW?
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4
inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough
to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and
a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to
spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a
ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too
late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old
Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk
on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it o n; plastic toys do not like
ovens.
20.) The fire department in
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or
without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
THE ULTIMATE CHAIN LETTER
Just send a copy of this letter to five of your male friends who are equally
tired and discontent. Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her
to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your
name to the bottom of the list.
THE
YEAR 1906
************************************
cost eleven dollars .
heavily populated than California.
most populous state in the Union .
a veterinarian between $1,500 per year,
and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which
were condemned in the press AND the government as
"substandard."
borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
entering into their country for any reason.
1. Pneumonia and influenza
Alaska
hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
hadn't been invented yet.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
the counter at the local corner drugstores
.
Back then pharmacists
said,
"Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind,
regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian
of health."
( Shocking? DUH! )
When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound
to be better than the one you already have.
At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184
women, four of whom were worth keeping.
This chain also brings good luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he
received a Playboy playmate.
An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose
between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super
model.
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the
chain and got his wife back again.
Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below.
----------------------
Bill Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017
Billy Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017
Billie Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017
B. Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017
William Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017
W. Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017
W. Jeff Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017
This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1906.
One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the Year
1906
:
The average life expectancy in the U.S. was
47
years old.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City
There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved
roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more
With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
The average wage in the U.S. was
22
Cents
per hour.
The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year
.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
a dentist made $2,500 per year,
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at
HOME
.
Ninety percent of all U.S.
doctors had
NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Sugar cost
four
cents
a pound.
Eggs were
fourteen
cents a dozen.
Coffee was
fifteen
cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair
once
a month
,
and used
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from
Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
2. Tuberculosis
3.
Diarrhea
4.
Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars.
Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico,
Hawaii, and
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over
There were about
230
reported Murders in the
ENTIRE U.S.A. !
George Carlin
( Absolutely Brilliant )
IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A
DAY IN YOUR LIFE. AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS I AM
DOING AND SEND IT ON.
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we
like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10
years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in
fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never
thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on
five! That's the key
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You
jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but
hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your
life . ... . you become 21. Even the words sound like a
ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes
you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him
out. There 's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling.
What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa!
Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know
it, you REACH 50
and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it
to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that
it's a day-by -day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle;
you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime And it
doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going
backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you
become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age,
weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That
is why you pay "them."
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts,
gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle
mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is
Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for
breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only
person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be
ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's
family, pets,keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it
. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you
can improve, get help.
9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to
the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the
guilt is.
10.Tell the people you love that you love them, at every
opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but
by the moments that take our breath away.
|
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines. 3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine. 4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. |
2005 Stella Awards!
Time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards."
<>
The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled
hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM). That case
inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful
lawsuits in the United States.
Here are this year's
winners:
5th
Place (tie):
Kathleen Robertson of
Austin, Texas, was
awarded $80,000. by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping
over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the
store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the
misbehaving little toddler was
Ms.
Robertson's son
.
5th
Place (tie):
19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles
won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with
a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at
the wheel of the car when he
was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps
.
5th
Place (tie):
Terrence Dickson of Bristol,
Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of
the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the
automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house
because the door
connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family
was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for
eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of
dry dog food.
He
sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue
mental anguish.
The jury agreed, to
the tune of $500,000. In my opinion this is so outrageous that it should
have been 2nd Place!
4th
Place:
Jerry Williams of
Little Rock,
Arkansas, was awarded $14,500. and medical expenses after being bitten
on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a
chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because
the jury felt the dog
might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who
had
climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting the dog repeatedly
with a pellet gun.
3rd
Place:
A
Philadelphia restaurant
was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania , $113,500.
after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The
beverage was on the floor because
Ms.
Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds
earlier during an argument.
2nd
Place:
Kara Walton of
Claymont, Delaware,
successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when
she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two
front teeth. This occurred while
Ms.
Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies
room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge
. She was awarded
$12,000 and dental expenses.
1st
Place:
This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000.. plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.
This has got to be one of the more clever E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble!
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Below is Dr.
Phil's test. (Dr. Phil scored 55; he did this test on Oprah - she got a 38.)
Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out!
Read on, this is very
interesting!
Don't be overly
sensitive! The
following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes.
Take this test for yourself and send it
to your friends.
The person who sent it placed their score in the
e-mail subject box. Please do the same before forwarding to your friends
(send it back to the person who sent it to
you.) Don't peek, but begin the test as
you scroll down and answer.
Answers are for who you
are now --- not who you were in the past. Have
pen or pencil and paper ready.
This is a real test
given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today.
It helps them get better insight
concerning their employees and prospective employees. It's
only 10 Simple questions, so
grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your
letter answers to each question.
Make sure to change the
subject of the e-mail to read YOUR total.
When you are finished, forward this to
friends/family, and also send it to the person who sent this to you.
Make sure to put YOUR
score in the subject box.
Ready??
Begin.
1.
When do you feel your best?
a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon & and early evening
c) late at night
2. You
usually walk...
a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly
3.
When talking to people you...
a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair
4.
When relaxing, you sit with...
a) your
knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you
5.
When something really amuses you, you react
with...
a)
big appreciated laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile
6.
When you go to a party or social gathering
you...
a)
make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed
7.
You're working very hard, concentrating hard,
and you're interrupted...
a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes
8.
Which of the following colors do you like
most?
a) Red or orange
b) black
c) yellow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
g) brown or gray
9.
When you are in bed at night, in those last
few moments before going to sleep you are...
a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers
10.
You often dream that you are...
a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant
POINTS:
1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2 (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2
(c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 ( c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1
Now add up the total number of points.
OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care."
You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant.
Others may admire you, wishing
they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become
too deeply involved with you.
51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an
exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive
personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always
the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try
anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure.
They enjoy being
in your company because of the excitement you radiate.
41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical,
and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but
sufficiently
well-balanced not to let it go to their head.
They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll
always cheer them up and help them out.
31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical.
They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who
makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to
friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really
get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but
equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.
21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you
as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really
surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the
moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then,
usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your
careful nature.
UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who
needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who
doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier
who always sees problems that don't exist. Some peopl e think you' re boring.
Only those who know you well
know that you aren't.
Now forward this to others, and put yourscore in the subject box of your e-mail,
like this:
Dr. Phil's Test, I'm a 48
Really have to love this guy. God rest his soul.
"Here is my strategy on the Cold War:We win, they lose."
- Ronald Reagan
"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help."
- Ronald Reagan
"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's just that they know so much that isn't so."
- Ronald Reagan
"Of the four wars in my lifetime none came about because the U.S. was too strong."
- Ronald Reagan
"I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandment's would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress."
- Ronald Reagan
"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other."
- Ronald Reagan
"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under."
- Ronald Reagan
"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program"
- Ronald Reagan
"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."
- Ronald Reagan
"Most Democrat's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."
- Ronald Reagan
"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."
- Ronald Reagan
"No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.
- Ronald Reagan
PHILOSOPHY OF SEX
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things
that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson
" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.."
--Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams
